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I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
I don`t exactly have a "to do" list. I have what you might call "If I ever log off Facebook and feel like getting around to doing it" list.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
I want to be something scary for Halloween so I am going as a positive pregnancy test......
Save water. Shower with me. ;)
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
Seen it all, done it all, can´t remember most of it.
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!