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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
I`d try Taco Bell`s breakfast but I don`t start drinking that early.
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
Sad life : After watching 2 seconds of Spongebob I already know what episode it is ... I`m 41
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you`ll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.
Pretty impressed at petrol station today, as i was filling up, i heard woman with truck at next pump say is that Vin Diesel, I smiled, then realised she meant Van Diesel :-/
if you don`t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.