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Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I meant but shouldn`t have said out loud.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
I am not judging you...I already decided I don`t like you
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
Your girlfriend is rated E... For Everyone
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.
Thanks for posting pics of what you had for dinner, the suspense was f*cking killing me.