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A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
They should start selling Photoshop CD`s at cosmetic shops.
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don`t have a weight problem....I`m just hot
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges :)
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..