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"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
Facebook Poking Hours: Mon-Friday 7am-10pm Sat 12-11pm Sun Closed
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."