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That weird moment when u just say "what`s up " to someone and they thing you`re a shrink.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
If you can’t face it, moon it.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.
"I can`t wait to have you inside me," I whispered softly to my dinner.
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.