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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson