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I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk.
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
Like a good neighbor, stay over there
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.