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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
Something I will never understand: Why it’s acceptable for people to be idiots but not acceptable for me to point it out.
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"