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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
There’s a good reason I’m up this late: because I have to wake up really early.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
The songs I like always come on when I’m supposed to be getting out of my car.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
Is Nudeism a religion?
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.