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I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
Don`t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
Life is just like a p@nis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely, It`s the women who make it hard.
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.
Sweating is for people who do stuff.