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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
Valentine’s Day is in 4 days so if you are secretly in love with me I suggest you reveal it now.
Girl:How do u feel? Boy:With your hands
No means no! Unless she`s dyslexic; then it`s on!
This is not meant for you. Look away. STOP LOOKING AT IT! :)
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.