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I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
Of course women dont fart. They never shut up long enough to build up pressure
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
I`m having trouble telling if it`s killing me or making me stronger
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
"..all the king`s horses & all the king`s men couldn`t get Humpty together again" ... What guy thought horses might figure it out?