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My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
Keep the dream alive......... Hit the snooze button.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee!
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
Success sleeps with u in private. Failure insults u in public ! Aa
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.