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It`s the simple things that make me laugh....mostly you.
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
You should have been a chicken and just went home.
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn
The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I`m thinking taco cart...
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch