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Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn`t have known it`s summer.
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
If by "help you cook" you mean drink wine in the kitchen while you do the work, then yes, I`d love to help you cook.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn`t even apply for the job.
I say the things better left unsaid.
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
Being human is expensive and exhausting.