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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
Have you ever seen the look on a mans face when he is truly sorry? Yeah, me either!
That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
You say hangover. I say out of booze.
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape