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I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
Marriage. Because your sh!tty day doesn`t have to end at work.
Whoever said "Lets do that" in the meeting for the pop-tarts without frosting, should be fired
why hello there stalker! Enjoying my profile?(=
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
I’m the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
If rolling your eyes burned calories, Facebook would be my gym.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.