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Will be drunk until further notice.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
never judges a book by its cover. I use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
I`m getting older but I still have my moments...though I don`t always remember where I put them
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.