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The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they say "to boldly go where no one has gone before", when they get there, they always meet someone?
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?
"People should just mind their own business," probably the funniest thing I`ve ever read on a social networking site.
I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.