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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
Women say they love a man in uniform but when i go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform none of them will talk to me....I`m confused
Care less and you’ll stress less.
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.