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The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
I plan on leaving all my money to the campaign against illiteracy. ...They can`t read this right? lol
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
Mouth the word " vacuum" to a stranger & see what happens.
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.