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Once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them. They`re trouble. Stay away from them.
I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
Some of you are so dumb, I don`t even know how you found the internet.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
Today was about as much fun as a warm toilet seat in a public restroom!
for those people out there who don`t know me, congrats your not a facebook addict
I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is `What is never the answer?`