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Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
I go on dates just to remind myself that being single is awesome.
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!