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An awkward morning beats a boring night.
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
You call them French Fries…I call them Edible Ketchup Shovels.
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
I don’t love being single but I do love being happy.
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.
If you can`t handle me at my worst, then that sucks because that`s all there is to me.
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.