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Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
Don`t hate me because I think I`m beautiful.
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
I met a girl who told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because he just didn`t work out. Which is when I knew, she wasn`t the one for me, as I hate to work out as well.
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
so far so good.... no unexpected father`s day cards or presents!
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!