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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
If it was not for electricity, we would all be watching T.V. by candle light.
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.