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Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
If you use the word "gay" to desrcribe something that is "merry or happy" then you`re gay.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
I should come with a warning label.
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
I don`t get why girls get so offended by sexist jokes..I think they are just ovary-acting. Seriously..
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.