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True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
I was going to write something profound and memorable here, but I can`t remember what it was.
Dont let facebook fool you we aint friends
Never say "piece of cake!" to me. Unless there is, indeed, a piece of cake involved.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
You’d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.