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Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.
I got my panties all in a bunch ... You know those Wal Mart 10 pack cotton bundles.
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day