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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Someday, I hope to be so rich that I`ll never be happy again.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
"Cannot connect to network. Reset your wireless router." "Umm, okay, but what if my router is in my neighbour`s house? Should I call him?"
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?