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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
Guy advice #221: Starting a load of laundry in the washing machine and then starting a load in the dryer counts as `2 loads` - just sayin`!
Dora the explorer.... Y U NO GET GPS?
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.