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The Bible is pretty accurate...Especially when thrown at close range.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth`s equator, most of them would drown.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
Roses are red and sometimes they`re thorny, when I think of you, I get really ...............
Iām home alone. Time to start my concert.