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Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
The term "chubby chasers" is so inaccurate and misleading. Cause we don`t run.