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I´m not cheap, but I am on special this week
You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
I wish my GPA looked like the gas prices right now...
Facebook would be much more interesting if they let you decide, which part of the body you wanna Poke.
#Redskins QB Robert Griffin III back after surgery to reconstruct the ACL and repair the LCL in his right knee. He`s now RG 3.2
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
It would be great if there was an app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.