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Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
Happy 4th of July ... U can toss out the Christmas tree now
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
for every like, I will fart on my wife face
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
If you’re a douchebag, it’s so easy to find the right hat.
If Jesus was the son of Mary and he was the Lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a Little Lamb?