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So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
Do stupid people ever hit a point in their life, where they realize they’re stupid?
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
To drink, or not to drink?...what a stupid question!
I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
They should make a "How It`s Made" episode on how "How It`s Made" is made.
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.