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I drink to make other people interesting.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
My favorite part of The Notebook is when I turned it off and watched Terminator 3 instead.