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I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
Do you know what would really be fun? ... No really.. If you know, tell me.. I`m bored to death.
Oh you better not pout. You better not cry. You better not shout I`m telling you why. Nobody gives a f*ck.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
Why do they call a grapefruit a grapefruit? I mean there is already a fruit called a grape!!
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying. I checked.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.