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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
They say love is more important than money. I`d like to see them go and try to pay their bills with a hug.
McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
What happens on online stays online, forever and ever.
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!
u cant spell awesome without me
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.