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So you`ll be able to buy Girl Scout Cookies online this year ... Your move Weight Watchers
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
I am hungry 25 hours a day
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
Judging by the way some women wear makeup it`s rather obvious they didn`t excel at coloring as a kid ...
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.