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Please excuse me for talking while you were interrupting.
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. F*cking. Time.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
B!tch life isn`t a garden ... So stop being a hoe!
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.