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Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
My internet went down last week...so I talked to my family....thank goodness the internet came back
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
Why are you walking away when we`re in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! ... At least give me your number!
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever