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You can`t make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
Ya, Wednesday sucks but… it could be Monday!
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.
Facebook prank #23 Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on....
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York.
Eww!!! Beer does NOT taste good on Cocoa Puffs! ..I`m switching back to my Fruit Loops! ;)
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!
Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?