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I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
It takes two people to lie....one to lie.....the other to listen
I hate it when 18 wheelers blow their horns while Im driving, that sh*t wakes me up!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
I was blown away when I realised the word " OK " is a side ways person.
They say money can’t buy happiness… but it can buy bacon, and that is pretty darn close.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...