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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn`t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It`s causing quite a stir...
I would offer moral support ... But my morals are questionable.
The dollar store needs to go ahead and open up a few gas stations.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
Lazy Rule #23 :No Shower Is Needed, If your Not Going Anywhere...
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.
Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.