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As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
"I get knocked down, but I get up again, You`re never gonna keep me down" ~Bowling pins
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
The difference between your house smelling like delicious popcorn or burnt a$$ is around 24 seconds ..
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
Don`t tell me to make myself at home if you don`t want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"