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When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
The police never think its as funny as I do.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
I can update Facebook from anywhere. Even when crossing the stre
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
Judging by the way some women wear makeup it`s rather obvious they didn`t excel at coloring as a kid ...
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.