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My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
The brain is like the most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
If someone says they`ll always be there for you...make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.
Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I`m Awesome. Then WE DANCE.