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My kids think I`m uncool like I thought my parents where. Time to get even! ;)
The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
Marriage. Because your sh!tty day doesn`t have to end at work.
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "I`m melting I`m melting!"
Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.