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Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
Lol at birds that walk places.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.