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So many rules; so little time to break them.
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
I just lost my mood ring, I don`t know how I feel about that.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.