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A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
I love hearing rumors about me...that`s how I find out what I`ve been doing.
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
Any time someone says "have you seen that YouTube video?" I always say yes......... Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
i just peed so hard that I laughed a little bit
I`d like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."
Don`t think I didn`t notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.