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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
It`s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late