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I`m trying to save up enough money to one day afford to save up money.
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
A man who scratches his butt should not bite fingernails!
On the bright side, it’s Friday Eve Eve Eve.
How can I learn to be more patient? (I`m only interested in quick-fix solutions with immediate results please)
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.