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Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
We can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I`m still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
with great power...comes great electric bill...
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.