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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
why do wise people never make wisecracks?
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I`m only 30 lbs away from my New Year`s resolution to lose 20 lbs!!
I`m awesome...just ask me...!!!!
Life`s too short for Salad..............
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."