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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
I`m now fit to make my regular annual resolution. The accomplishment is the problem
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
My inner child is a drunken whore
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
I love my friends unconditionally.* *Certain terms and conditions may apply. May not be available on all days. Coverage not available in all locations.Offer good for 30 days.Requires two-year minimum agreement. Fees applied for activation and early termination.
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
Life should be more like Hockey. If somebody pisses you off, you beat the sh!t out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes
I need a new bad decision.