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FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.
The best things in life require no pants.
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
A person soon learns how little they know when a child begins to ask questions.
The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco for one more sec
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.