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A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
After visiting the gov`t healthcare site, I don`t know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
Yes, Facebook says we`re `friends` but, trust me, I wouldn`t hesitate to punch you in the face.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
I´m really bored but too lazy to do anything about it.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.