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I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
Olympic Mens Ice Hockey USA vs Canada. Loser keeps Justin Bieber.
If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
I’m tired of chasing my dreams, I`m just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.