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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Why isn`t Hungary`s capital city called "Very"
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.