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is tring to fool people into thinking I have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
I like having an ex ...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
Detroit and Chicago seem to be getting it right as of late. Limit all politicians to two terms. One in elected Office and one in prison.
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!