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This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
Tomorrow the world shall be ours! Until then, good night my evil minions!!
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
I get as much action as a white crayon.
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
If you`re crazy and you know it shake your meds...
I don`t fear death... It happens to everyone. I just hope when I am dead and buried, I don`t vote Democrat.