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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
Is it wrong to tell a knock knock joke to a homeless person ?
You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
i dont drink any more and yet again i dont any less either
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won`t notice, but, buy a new phone case...