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I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
If you`re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she`s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.