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On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
That very akward moment when Shakirah`s hips lie!
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team