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Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn`t work. Don`t believe the rumors.
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else`s house.
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
Perhaps we should hold elections on the last Friday of November, with polling stations at Walmart, Target and Apple
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
Tieam... problem solved
Being human is expensive and exhausting.