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Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
Finding friends with the same disorder as you... priceless!
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
A man made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind ... And now, we wait...
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
I guess I need to buy some new drink coasters because I finally ran out of AOL free trial CDs.
The last time I went to a nude beach I got a ticket. The officer said I was applying my sunscreen...Too Fast.
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.
Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping