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One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
Fun: text a friend "Are you alone right now?" They go "Yes." Then u text back LOL
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.
roses are red.... my name is dave...this poem makes no sense.... microwave...