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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I was called sexist today. So..i said i think ur mistaken...its pronounced sexy! LOL
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
This is odd?!?! The hour we lost this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
Don`t you hate it when you`re typing something and you`re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were boobies.
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.