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If it weren’t for law enforcement and physics, I would be unstoppable.
We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
I maybe wrong but I doubt it.
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
First thing I do when I realize I’m lost…turn the radio down.
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
I wonder who Jason Waterfalls is and why did TLC not want him to go...
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.