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On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
If you`re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
My pants are 75% off.
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
Screw doing situps...teddy bears don`t and everyone loves them.
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.