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People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
I really wish Walmart had a 10 teeth or more line...
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
I read in a book somewhere that we only use 12% of our brains....I wonder what the other half is for?
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.