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Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
If I don’t talk to myself, who will?
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
I`ve decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I`m back
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you`re fighting with your brother.
status uploading
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.