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Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
Why don`t we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?
This beer tastes like Iām going to text you later.
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
is without a doubt, the most popular and best looking person using this laptop.
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
once again Tequila is the Delete History button of my brain.
Odd Fact: The names of characters in Inception are: Dom, Robert, Eames, Arthur, Mal and Saito. Note the first letters = DREAMS.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?