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An awkward morning beats a boring night.
Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
I have the means to do anything that I want on my day off from work which means that I dont want to do anything on my day off from work.
Where is the button to restart summer?
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.