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Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
I`ll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
How can society expect me to be a mature productive member of it I don`t even know if it`s spelled gray or grey
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.