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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
I hate people that don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Their so stupid…….
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
Eat breakfast: Check...Pay Phone: Check...Conquer the world: Still Pending...
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
is currently amending my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery ... who has something nice to say?
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
is ready to have one too many!