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Girls don`t dress for guys, they dress for themselves. If they dressed for guys they would be naked all the time
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
It’s not that I don’t care what you’re saying; I was just thinking about food.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
I would of read and liked your status if it wasn`t like 3 pages long.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen