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I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you`re donating blood...
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.