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At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
he who laughs last thinks slow
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.