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Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
That weird moment when u just say "what`s up " to someone and they thing you`re a shrink.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store