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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you`ll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out.. You`re Welcome..
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head.
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.