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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
There’s nothing better than when someone you know walks by without recognizing you.
"Safely remove USB." Who does that?
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
The man who created the Thesaurus has died. He`ll be fondly remembered, commemorated, memorialized, recalled and recollected.
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.
Smelling another person should be a choice.