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The problem with some people is that they`re breathing.
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
I followed my heart...now I`m at the liqour store
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
I need to learn the rules to make sure I don`t accidently follow them
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
"You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?