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I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
If you don`t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn`t get your money`s worth.
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
May all of us be as good looking/ beautiful as we look on our FB profile pic..
I am going to open "The Karma Cafe" There will be no menus though. You will get what you deserve!
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
once again Tequila is the Delete History button of my brain.
My p@nis was in the Guiness Book of Records. Untill the librarian kicked me out
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM