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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
Diet plan: make friends fatter
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
I’d be much more interested in meeting people if I didn’t think most people were idiots.
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let’s not rush into things.
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
There are 2 kinds of people I can’t stand: Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what in the hell is going on.
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.