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Definition: Brain - Your body`s hardest working organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth until you...fall in love.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.
Gym update: not there
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
Apparently you can not demand to be strip searched.
Nice try salad bars, there`s only one kinda bar I plan on attending.
I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.