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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Facebook is the best place to say whatever you want. If it doesn’t go over well you can just say you were hacked.
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
I wonder if there are any times on the clock that I have never seen.
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
It’s too bad that it’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.