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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
Girls here`s how to tell if a guy wants you for sex - 1: He does
When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
This post was going to be really funny but I didn`t write it down because I was totally sure I`d remember it.
It takes so much self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.
I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."