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"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
It`s not everyday you find a $50 bill in your pocket, I didn`t, but like I said it`s not everyday..
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
I`ve never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
thinks that life was a lot simpler when I thought girls had cooties, and getting to the bottom of the sandbox was a good day.
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
You know, rumor has it that the Mona Lisa may have been the first selfie.
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.