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I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
That awkward moment when you finally realize what your rice krispies are saying to you.
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
English = Hello. Spanish = Hola. French = Bonjour. Japanese = Konnichiwa. Chinese = Nî Hâo. Italian = Ciao. Me = Sup B*tches.
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
Don`t worry about old age, it doesn`t last that long.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
I put the PRO in inappropriate!
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.