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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I love Alfredo sauce ... Unless you`re a dude named Alfredo.
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
If rolling your eyes burned calories, Facebook would be my gym.
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
Facebook - the place where you can whine and get likes for it...
Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.