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I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
I`m not a Dr. or a Nutritionist, but I`m pretty sure the worst thing you can put into any high fat/ high calorie dish is your fork.
The fox says you need to stop.
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!