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Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
Bitch I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.