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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
Ways to die: Steal my food.
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.