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liked homework better when it was called coloring.
You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
I’m pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don`t have a moon where I live.
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.
Ways to Win my Heart: Buy me Beer Bring me Beer Be Beer.