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Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
The guest of honour was a bit subdued. The Keyboardist was playing too softly for my liking. But it was a good turnout, lots of food and laughter. But break out into one choreographed `Thriller` dance routine and the crowd goes all apesh!t and tosses you out of the funeral home.
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.