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I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
Golf, except there`s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
It`s finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.