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"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
I`m going to hell in every religion!
Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
thinking men should come with a carfax....
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.