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Call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......
How do you people have the time to hate a stranger on the internet?
It’s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
It`s so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office being on Facebook.
Over 500 channels and not a DAMN THING to watch! I suppose I should subscribe to some of them...
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Don`t call me names, you don`t know enough words to describe me
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....