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If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
I`m not crazy I`m just special! No wait maybe I am crazy.. One second, I have to talk to myself about this hold on...
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
Good Morning: You, my friends are the reason I wake up every morning ? LOL JK, I have to pee.
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.