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Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
If you`re reading this then I`m wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay safe, have fun, and remember, I like New Years gifts too!
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn`t have couches at this Best Buy.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
If my body is EVER found dead on a designated jogging trail.. Just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.. :|
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.