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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
Well kids, texting wasn`t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You had to click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Oh, I have an idea!!..oh wait, no I don`t
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
So I was thinking... since the kids get the Easter bunny, why shouldn`t I expect a visit from a Playboy bunny today?
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.