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Married sext: Iām not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
It`s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.