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Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn’t like.
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything.
Get ahead of myself. Sometimes I
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out.. You`re Welcome..