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Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
Yes, I know why you pulled me over. I didn`t see you in your little hiding spot over there, so I couldn`t slow down in time.
Adding lyrics when you don`t know the words or making words up when you don`t speak the language. ;)
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.