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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
For Christmas I just want summer...
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.
It`s all rainbows and sunshine until he breaks your heart, then it`s voodoo dolls and arson reports.