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From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
Pizza: nah, Sex: eh, Drinking: no thanks, It`s so hard thinking of what to give up for Lent...
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.